Because of the way I was raised, I have a very difficult time not giving other people what they want, emotionally, even when it’s not right for me. Even though I knew I loved the first woman, I felt that I must be doing something wrong.
What’s worse is that she begged me to change my mind.
Almost seven months after that fateful night in early July, the decision was taken out of my hands. It destroyed me in ways that I will never be able to explain to anyone.
The only positive outcome is that it forced me to get really serious with myself and work hard with a good therapist to figure out the reasons why I’d done some of the things I’d done. Even though I’d lost my “true love,” the other woman was still there and waiting.
He’s apparently a great guy who will be a good father and husband — and he’s more financially stable — but the things she likes about him are mostly in her head, not her heart.I knew she was going to be hurt, but I had no idea what the night was going to be like.I felt terrible telling her that I was going to marry someone else.So while she’s been waffling about who to choose — and felt she had plenty of time to keep waffling — she feels that she’s run out of time.She has to decide now — and she’s scared of making the wrong choice.I told her which choice made sense to me — based on what she was saying — but I told her whether she agreed or not, she had to make a choice. (I gave her my card and asked her to let me know what she did.) After she walked away, all I was left with was to ponder my own history — and my own devastating loss.I watched the love I wanted and needed get washed away because of my indecision.As Ashley told me her story, I flashed back to July of 2008.I’ve mentioned a bit of this story before, but I’m going to tell you a very intense part that I’ve never had reason to tell before. I was in love with the one I was dating at the time, but I was scared of some things I saw in her (and things I saw in myself, too, even if I wasn’t honest enough with myself at the time to see it that way).She told me about how she had grown so much since she had known me and that she was afraid of what would happen to her without me. and we were still talking when the place closed at 11. I tried to explain why I needed to marry the other woman — that I loved her and that we were more compatible — but it was gut-wrenching. I knew who I loved, but I couldn’t bear hurting the other woman as I was.We moved to stand in the parking lot near our cars for another hour or two. I told her that it was what I wanted and needed to do — and that’s the way we left it when we finally parted around 4 a.m. And the more I thought about that, the more I found excuses to justify delaying a decision. To make a long story short, early in the week, I made one of the worst decisions of my life. The one I loved begged me to marry her, and I knew it was what I wanted.Then we moved to the parking lot of a nearby convenience store. I told the woman I loved that I couldn’t marry her. I just couldn’t get the emotional courage to make the definite choice.(I did finally buy an engagement ring for her, which I still have.) I talked to the other one, too.There was another woman who I’d had a very odd relationship with before I let myself meet and date the first woman.